We all need a little help from our friends/family

Consider the things you know for certain. Those who love you will always support you. The sun will rise tomorrow. Someday we all must die. Taxes are due. It is right to focus on these, and enjoy or prepare for what simply must be. In the world of elder law, many things have easy answers. Who do you trust to manage your billpay if you can’t? Who do you want to inherit when you are gone? The difficult part is usually sitting down and actually saying these things.

How often have you put off a task for weeks, only to accomplish it in ten minutes (usually in a last-minute panic). Don’t you just want to kick yourself? That type of problem is easily fixed. Unfortunately, not all projects are created equal. Some take a lot of time and effort to accomplish, and not everything will be in your control. For example, if your loved ones begin to need care.

It is not easy to tell a loved one that it is time to get some help either physically or financially. What they hear is that they have lost a step, and may now have to lose some independence, privacy or control. It is awkward to ask a parent what assets they have. But I promise it is much better to have this possibly awkward conversation now than to find out unexpectedly that they have not been paying their bills because they are not able to organize and remember like in the past.

Too often adult children tell me their mom or dad will not accept care, or say what assets they have. They say mom or dad is just stubborn! The statement usually comes with a mix of pride in their parent’s strength despite their age, and frustration because they can see help is needed but is being rejected. To them I say you are treading too lightly. There is a big difference between telling a parent what’s what (that never works) and telling them what makes you worry. Mom, I’m worried when you shower without anyone in the house. You fell last spring and it scared me. Dad, I’m worried because it looks like you are double paying bills, or taking out a lot more cash than you used to, and it seems to be missing.

Too often the parents tell me I can still do everything, I don’t need help. Their children catch my eye and shake their heads- it’s not true. Sometimes they think that accepting help will mean being forced out of their home. Sometimes they worry about burdening their very busy children with more work. To them I say if you have trustworthy people in your life who want to help LET THEM. Fighting for the right to help only adds to the stress and effort for all concerned.

Having loved ones in your life that are concerned about your well-being and want to help you is a testament to you and your love for each other. Everyone ages if we are lucky and with that process, roles change in families. My advice is to talk to your family and be open with them about your assets, your wishes and your goals. Also having all your estate planning documents in order with the family knowing where they are is imperative to their ability to assist you long term.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.