As Relationships Change

When my grandmother’s dementia progressed, my relationship to her changed. I had been her loving grandchild, who she watched grow. She taught me to sew, make coconut bunny shaped cakes at Easter, and took me on a teddy bear picnic with her best friend Gloria once. Soon I became a beloved person whose name she couldn’t quite recall. In the end I was just a friendly visitor. We were lucky that she never lost her kind personality. She would say thank you for visiting and ask how I was. She never stopped trying to make me better. Her last words to me were “work hard!” Then she turned to my Dad and said “you, don’t work so hard.”

As a grandchild, the experience was sad but not as painful as it was for my Dad, who slowly lost his mother. It was not as painful as a spouse who loses their other half. Someday I may face those challenges. Until then, I can only offer advice from what I have seen. 

Do not fight with them. If they say the sky is purple, why couldn’t it be? If they do not remember a loved one has passed, why not let them believe that person is just away? It would cause both of you less pain.

Do not worry them. If you visit a loved one and it is time to leave, they may become distressed. It may be kinder to say you are going to the car and will be back. Both true statements, though it may be some days before you return.

Seek guidance. Our transition from her living independently, to having caregivers, to a nursing home was smooth because we had an elder law attorney in the family to protect her assets, and elder care coordinators to advise us on how to advocate for good care based on her changing needs. We knew the road ahead because we have traveled it with countless clients. Getting good information early can make the difference between a safe easy transition and losing the family home.

Seek support. Caring for your loved one with dementia is difficult. It can be frustrating, isolating, or even hurtful. Seeking help is not giving up on them. Support might be education, or a group of people going through the same thing, or caregivers to give you a break. Support is not always just for the loved one, or the caregiver, it may also be educating the family on ways to better understand or help in the situation when they are around it. Learning to redirect you loved one when they are fixated on the wrong thing, or upset, can help them with anxiety. Once things have really progressed there is no sense it appealing to their reason. You have to meet them where they are, mentally. The Alzheimer’s Association has support and Live Well in Southington also has support and classes for the individual with Dementia as well as for friends and family.

As their mind changes, your relationship may go from intimate and familial to just a friend. I have seen spouses turn back into boyfriends and girlfriends. While unexpected, that does not need to be devastating. The saying goes “grant me strength to accept the things I cannot change.” Accept changes for what they are and find joy in those new relationships whenever possible.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.