Fast Cars & Freedom

Your car is your freedom. This allows you to socialize, work, run errands, and explore without the need to rely on someone else’s busy schedule. For most of us, getting a driver’s license at the earliest possible age was therefore a necessity. So consider what it must feel like to be told that part of your life is over. You have to rely on your spouse, or kids, or dial-a-ride to pick you up. You have to wait endlessly when they are not available. You have to order grocery delivery and hope they pick good produce and keep it at the top of the bag. Your ability to do what you want is no longer in your hands. That is a very bitter pill.

Do not wait until a car accident! Watch for signs that it is time, such as getting lost on familiar routes, dents in the car, slower reaction time, or vision problems and complaint about glare. If the situation causing the loss of ability is caused by dementia, disorientation and slowed decision making will only progress. The only question is how fast. 

If you choose to have this difficult conversation, be gentle. You are approaching this  from a place of love, and words should reflect that. “We want to help make things easier for you” or “we are worried for you” not “you can’t drive anymore.” Explain how future rides might work so they know there is a plan. Remind them you know this is going to be a hard transition but you will support them.  In fact, this might give you more opportunities to see your kids! 

If the family cannot help with the rides, practical solutions may include Uber for Older Adults, senior transportation programs through local businesses, or Rides in Sight which has a place on their website that you can search for local transportation options based on zip code.

If the driver does not accept their own limitations someone will have to tell them it is time. Someone has to take away the keys. Many families avoid the difficult conversation in a few clever ways. First, disabling the car or hiding the keys. This can work unless the individual is smart enough to figure it out and call a repair place. This may just lead to unnecessary cost. Second, lending the car. Perhaps the driver will not give up the car, but it willing to lend it to a grandchild in need for the next year in college. Remember to ensure the new driver is properly insured! Third, having someone else tell them. The doctor can bring up this sensitive topic, and recommend the driver be tested. Among other wonderful services, Easterseals can provide thorough driving assessments for anyone over 16 who may have an injury or impairment. They can be reached at 203-630-2208. 

It was as hard for a family to watch a new driver pull away at 16 as it is for them to let a compromised driver keep driving when abilities have diminished. Both are fears for the safety of the loved one, and others on the road. But driving is not a right. It is a privilege. Better to be safe than sorry. 

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.