Learn Their Lesson

It is brave to face your own mortality head on. It is smart to do it before the crisis starts. No one talks about these things. Religion, politics, money, and how to protect yourself during the aging process are all forbidden topics from a polite dinner table. Sure, it’s fun to trade stories about little aches and pains but rarely the big problems. If we could only share more about our experiences, both good and bad! That way, instead, you can learn their lesson. The majority of the most prepared clients I see are the ones who had a scare in their close family or friend group. The issue was too big to hide and tough out alone. The loved ones saw the house lost to the nursing home, or the inability to help because of the refusal to sign a Power of Attorney. They were forced to watch the absolute destruction of a storm called Failure to Plan. It would be nice if we could all teach each other a better path through life without the first explorer being in a crisis.

First, watch how life is developing for your parents. They are often a good guide to how your life will progress medically speaking. This is not a certainty, but it’s important to know if your family medical history tends to mean a heart attack at retirement or dementia at 80. This should help you plan ahead to protect yourself the best you can by building legal structures that allow others to protect you while also securing your hard-earned money. The latest time to do this planning and to take an action is in your 70’s, when you are healthy. Be proactive rather than reactive.

Second, people tend to live longer with every generation. But that doesn’t mean the money will last. It is heartwarming to see children pitching in but not all families are able, or willing, to do this because it is not sustainable for most physically, mentally or financially. Spouses tend to want to care for each other out of the perception it is their obligation or out of fear of losing control. This usually leads to both people at risk of needing care. There are many options to obtain good care that is sustainable. If you plan ahead you will have more control of your future financially and physically. If you are lucky, you may live into your nineties and become a “Super 90!”.

Third, do not assume there is a good plan in place. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a family tell me “Mom always said everything was in order, just look in that special drawer. It’s all there.” The family never looks. Mom dies. And the only thing they find is an expired life insurance policy! No Last Will, no list of what banks or insurance companies she had assets with. No idea what she wanted for the funeral. Sometimes this is because there was never a plan, but more often because she got dementia and moved or shredded important things. Learn this lesson! Take copies of important things from your parents. Give copies of important things to your kids. They do not need to know what you have. But they need to know where to find it when the time comes.

Fourth, don’t forget that even in a crisis there may be planning to do. Legal planning should change when your wishes or your health changes. There are various protections, from special powers in a Power of Attorney to special Last Wills such as a Testamentary Trust Will which can protect you under the right circumstances. When a diagnosis is given, focus is rightfully on the medical care. But if that diagnosis will lead to debilitation, it is time to see an elder law planner. Too often a family comes to me already in search of high levels of long term care, at home or otherwise. I hear how dementia progressed slowly over many years, and the last few have been difficult on Mom or Dad, caring for their spouse with all their strength. We could have used those years to protect assets! This is not to say that all hope is lost. There are many last minute strategies to save assets, but they all come with various drawbacks. Because of the lost time, we are scrambling, and choosing the least bad option still available without the luxury of time to think. If your health changes your planning may need to change also. Learn the lesson that there are different documents and strategies to protect you under ever changing circumstances.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.