The Recipe Book

One of the most cherished parts of the holiday season is coming together and sharing the foods that remind you of home, childhood, and loved ones long gone. Every family has something unique. Perhaps it is a turkey, or a rack of lamb. Perhaps it is lumpy potatoes, or scalloped. In my family’s case, one particular relative insists on cranberry sauce out of the can, specifically not cut so that it still looks like the shape of the can.

Every year we have families come in during, or just after the holidays, in a panic because they finally came to town and realized Mom or Dad is not doing as well as it seemed from the phone calls all year. The holidays visits are always a good time to really see how everyone is doing. Hopefully the only family trouble this year is that you do not have enough green bean casserole to go around for a third helping! But instead of our typical reminder of the warning signs to look for that care is already needed, this year we want to offer some proactive advice.

The holidays are a time of sharing. The biggest pitfall I see in estate or care planning is a failure to tell everyone what your plan is. It may be as simple as “I never want to be in a nursing home” or as complex as a neatly organized binder with all legal records, from birth certificate to marriage record, Last Will, Power of Attorney, car title life insurance policy, etc all in one place. The more you are willing to share about your past planning, and future wishes, the better. Most importantly, the less infighting between your children, and the less time wasted while they try to figure out what it is you have, and what it is you need or want as you age.

When a parent begins to need care, the children are often in the dark as to what assets they have, where those are held, what documents are in place, and so on. They do not have a roadmap to follow. The parent’s desire for privacy becomes a difficulty to overcome, and the children slowly gain the ability to manage the parent’s needs and assets. Wasted time often means wasted money. Unfortunately the parents often think “They will find it all out when I’m gone, and they do not need to know before that.” But what if you are still living and cannot handle your own bill pay? If it is not on auto pay from an account, do the kids even know what oil provider services your home? What service you use for snow removal? What homeowner’s insurance covers your home? Living while needing help from others is much more difficult to navigate than simply giving everyone their inheritance.

So whether you make a special eggnog to trim a tree, or have an afternoon with the extended family baking sugar cookies to donate to local nursing homes, remember that you are not just making memories. You are passing them on. Write down the family recipe for the next generation. While you’re at it, write down your plans.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.