As Parents Age

Sooner or later every generation faces the minor or major issues, involving safety, care, and living arrangements as parents age. Physical ability, mental acuity and increasing dependency on help from others are the issues that have to be addressed. Let’s look at a typical aging couple and in this example assume the husband is developing a degree of dementia and decline in motor skills.

If dad can no longer drive safely, mom can probably take over driving. As many families know there can be fierce resistance to giving up driving. Let’s face it. The car is the means and the symbol of independence, so family members need to carefully approach no longer driving. If there is no healthy spouse, and the parent refuses to stop driving, the family doctor may be of help in recommending a driving test, so that a third party is the bearer of bad news. Some families have taken the steps of disconnecting the battery or hiding keys, but thankfully those are very rare cases. But since transportation is still needed, family or car ride services are the solution. Another concern is monitoring medications and nutrition and hydration. Pill boxes or dispensers can be a solution, but for someone with severe dementia, even an automatic dispenser with a noise signal reminder to take the pills may not be enough. Years ago one client would sometimes take the pills from the dispenser and throw them away. At that point either a family member or a caregiver needs to be there to ensure medications and nutrition are kept up. Another issue that arises is the risk of falling. Many homes in Connecticut are the type of raised ranches with three or four stairs up to a first level and then full stairs to a second level. These are great for raising families, but have high risk for an elder person with significant balance and mobility issues. Sometimes a stair glide can help, but if the parent refuses to use it, there is no benefit. My mother-in-law who lived to almost 100, spent the last 9 years of her life in assisted living because she refused to use the stair glide and fell down the stairs. Those injuries resulted in a need for significant round the clock assistance. When significant care is needed, including live-in care, most families cannot give it themselves because of work or distance. Fortunately Connecticut has many good home care providers. The good news is many people may qualify for Veterans Aid and Attendance, or the Connecticut Home Care Program for Elders. In the most extreme cases that can be live-in care, as long as the caregiver can receive 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every 24 hours. The rules are strict and exacting, so it is prudent for the family to get the assistance of an elder law attorney that not only has the knowledge to deal with the Connecticut and Federal rules for eligibility, but has elder care coordinators who can figure out with the family what care is needed, how much, and where that care can be provided. The physical, financial, and legal issues all have to be addressed in order to arrive at a solution that works both for care and financially. Keeping mom and dad at home is everyone’s hope, and for many people that is doable. For those where it is simply not practical, assisted living may be the answer. It is often said that in Connecticut the rules are about as strict as anywhere in the country, but if a family satisfies the rules, then there are state and/or federal programs that can pay for that home care. That can even include paying for their children to provide the care. So the thoughts for families with aging parents is to get that full and sound advice early so that steps can be taken when needed to qualify for home care.