Keeping Safe and Sane

When one spouse of a married couple has serious physical or cognitive issues that require far more care than the healthy spouse can give, the goal is to find appropriate care, hopefully at home, to provide the help necessary to keep the sick one safe and the healthy one sane. With a typical situation of a gradual decline in the ability to do the normal activities of daily living (ADLs), such as eating, transferring, bathing, dressing, and toileting, and staying safe from harm, the spouse and or children who live nearby often provide that care. In our experience, the family members frequently push themselves far beyond what they can realistically do on a long term basis. At some point their hard efforts may not be enough to keep the needy spouse safe. That is when it is important for families to find good advice and counsel on what state and federal programs and funding may be available to help keep the sick spouse safe and living in the best environment possible, and the healthy one sane. Safe is a key word here because the care, whether given by the family or caregiving agencies, or in an institution has to be enough to avoid serious accidents, or even minor accidents that can reduce the ability to stay at home.

In advising a family on caring for their loved one, a different issue often arises for the healthy spouse or children, and that is keeping them sane from the terrible pressure of giving their all and still seeing that parent or spouse decline, or their own health decline. So an elder law firm needs to encourage those devoted family members to keep themselves sane, by not driving themselves into decline by doing far more than their bodies and minds can endure. The well spouse is typically the person who may do far too much and drive himself or herself to distraction and despair. That healthy spouse often has to keep their own sanity and health by getting outside help. It is often said that the only thing worse than a sick spouse, is two sick spouses. That is not good for either one and can compromise their ability to stay at home. So in advising families, one aspect is to tell the healthy spouse not to drive herself or himself to wits end trying to do the impossible. In short, the healthy spouse or children must keep their own sanity despite the agony of watching their spouse or parents decline.

An elder law firm’s goal is to keep the sick elder person safe and their loving family members sane, by laying out an effective and affordable plan of care. Staying at home may be realistic and affordable for months or years, but the other family members and spouse must keep themselves healthy by not driving themselves into stress related ill health. Elder care advisors can help by outlining the programs available for care, and programs that can pay for that care. Connecticut is one of the most expensive states in which to get in home care, but the other side of the coin is that it has some of the best programs to help pay for that care. The healthy spouse is not going to lose all of their assets, and often will not lose any. Knowing that can help keep the healthy spouse sane and not panic over the fear that their spouse will be forced into a nursing home, or that their life long savings will be taken. Every case is different, but with an elder care plan developed for them with an experienced elder law firm, that healthy spouse and the children can keep their sanity, and the sick spouse can be kept safe, often at home, in many cases with live in care.

So if your family is faced with a need for long term care, don’t despair. Get the advice that can keep the sick one safe at home, if at all possible, and the healthy spouse’s sanity intact when a plan can be developed for home care, provided for by Connecticut programs.

Attorney Stephen O. Allaire is Of Counsel and Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, members of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with offices at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a written note to either attorney at Allaire Elder Law, LLC, 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, CT 06010, and they may use your question in a future column.