My Shadow

The riddle of the Sphinx. What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? The answer is a human, who changes from a crawling baby to an upright adult to an elder with a cane, in the twilight of their days. It is amazing how accurate this answer is. Life is ever changing, but in many ways we revert to the original foundations. I recently had a conversation with a client, whose husband is progressing in his dementia. I have heard and experienced that conversation a thousand times. But now, being a mother of two toddlers, I was personally struck by the similarities between my life, and hers. We are both caregivers. We are just on different sides of life.

She began describing how she can still meet her husband’s needs on her own. For now. He has lost a lot of mental clarity but with prompting she can direct him to do what is needed. They are not at the “baby” stage where she needs to physical dress him, bathe him, and feed him. I remember those days- they were only so many months ago! I was so tired, waking up at 3am nearly every day for almost 2 years. One baby grew out of needing me every few hours just as the other was born. But even though life is easier for me now, and only just getting harder for this client, we can get exhausted. It is common for one spouse to start following the other around constantly. When she needs to put the laundry, he comes too. When she has to run something upstairs for a moment, he comes too. When she leaves for a quick errand he questions why she needs to go and slows her from getting out the door. Often he forgets why she left, and calls while she is out wondering where she is. Often both get upset when she returns because he doesn’t understand why she left.

My life is very similar to that just now. The kids want to help me with everything. So everything is slower. Everything is messier. But I am their center. Mommy makes them feel safe, and they love “helping” me. Think about your friends or family going through this with their small children, or their aging spouse. It is exhausting to be constantly needed. To not be able to quickly run back into the house for something you forgot because they must get out of the car and come too. They find you no matter what room of the house you are in, even if you said you would be right back. The conversations are fun, but repetitive. One starts to yearn for the company of an adult for a real conversation. But we feel guilty for even thinking that, and hoping for such a reasonable thing.

Being a caregiver is not for the faint of heart. It is a labor of love, to be woken up at all hours because someone can’t sleep and is wandering around the house making noise, or soiled themselves. Even at social gatherings you are constantly on alert so you can redirect this person you love and keep them safe. Conversations end mid sentence as you rush off to chase the wanderer. Food is left on the table because they think they need something right now. But you keep going, because you are their anchor and you love them enough to see them through all phases of their journey. For better or worse. Just remember, you did not sign up for every moment. To care for someone else you must care for yourself. My mother keeps me sane when she watches the kids and give me respite. It takes a village to care for anyone. So if all this sounds far too familiar, consider getting help. Consider helping, if you can. Offer a few hours here and there so this person can rest, or run an errand, or see a friend. Consider hiring a caregiver. Avoid burning out, because once that happens caring for those who need you becomes that much harder.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.