Driving With Dementia

When a parent or grandparent has dementia, and is still driving, a very difficult situation can arise when the adult children realize that mom or dad’s situational awareness and functional ability have decreased to the point where the parent is no longer safe to drive. Sometimes the parent realizes this and is willing to give up driving. But giving up driving when you have done it since you were 16, and when it is often a means of meeting friends and family or just going shopping for something to do, is often not easy. What are some ways to handle this without harming the elders feeling of independence in order to keep them and others safe?

First may be a conversation with mom or dad about your concerns for their safety. Years ago, when my mother was still with us, I grew increasingly concerned as she did not appear to have sufficient motor skills and situational awareness to drive safely. Then one day a friend of hers called me to say she had seen her run a red light. At that point it was imperative that action be taken to protect her and others. It started with a conversation about the red light, and how I was concerned for her safety and others on the road. Fortunately, she always had a calm demeanor and listened. I was also fortunate that she lived in a large senior apartment building where many of her friends also resided, and many of them could still drive safely.

For those who do not live where there are easy alternatives the children need a firm but gentle approach. The problem is that driving is a symbol of independence. So the discussion about giving it up must be firm, but gentle as the car is a symbol of that time gone by. Their doctor can often be a big help in having that discussion about safety for the elder and others. And if the situation is very serious, the doctor has the authority to notify motor vehicle that the driver is no longer capable of driving safely. My now deceased mother-in-law, who lived in New Jersey, should not have been driving and got into several minor fender benders. To cover those up from the insurance carrier and the family, none of whom lived in New Jersey, she paid cash to a car body shop to fix her damage and the other person’s car damage. When she finally moved to an assisted living with extra care, the car could not be kept and that was the solution for her children’s dilemma about mom driving.

Obviously one solution is to take away the keys, but this could be extremely difficult for an elder parent who still has enough brain power to forcefully argue against it and be angry with you. That is when the doctor may be the solution, as you are then not the bad guy. We once represented a very elderly woman who would not listen to the family about giving up driving. Then one day she was driving in the supermarket parking lot and hit the accelerator instead of the brake and drove up onto the sidewalk in front of the store and banged a lady on the sidewalk into the wall of the store. Fortunately, the person did not have serious injury and broken bones, but when the police were called, and the elderly driver’s only comment was, “she didn’t try to get out of my way,” the police then solved the children’s dilemma and had the elder’s license revoked.

So great sympathy is due any family that must use tact and kindness in protecting their elder loved one with dementia, who should no longer be driving. Persistence and patience are the name of the game and in difficult situations, a doctor make be the family’s best friend.

Attorney Halley C. Allaire is principal in the law firm of Allaire Elder Law, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, Inc., with an office at 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a note to Attorney Halley C. Allaire and your question may be discussed in a future column.Farmington Avenue, Bristol, (860) 259-1500, or on the web at www.allaireelderlaw.com. If you have a question, send a written note to either attorney at Allaire Elder Law, LLC, 271 Farmington Avenue, Bristol, CT 06010, and they may use your question in a future column.